I started reading a book called “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck” by a guy called Mark Manson. I think I’m currently on chapter two. The most profound thing so far about the book is this idea “The desire for a more positive experience is itself a negative experience. And, paradoxically, the acceptance of one’s negative experience is itself a positive experience.” What a mind fuck. I had to read it multiple times to actually understand what it’s trying to say. It is true. Pursuing something like happiness means you are lacking happiness right now. I don’t think happy people wake up and say to themselves that I’m going to find happiness today. They’re just happy. Happiness doesn’t last, just like pain doesn’t last, no matter how hard you try to hold on to it.

Ever since my brother passed away, I’ve been trying to deny the pain. I do cry sometimes but most of the time I use things like work and TV to get distracted. I want to be distracted so I don’t have to think about what his death means or what my life mean or what anything in this world means. Those questions will never be answered. I don’t want to feel that pain when I think of him. I guess I have to find a way to accept it. Just like I have to accept the fact that no matter where I work, I will always be unsatisfied. Every job has its downsides. It can’t be all good all the time. I’m sure even people who seem to be happy working at companies like Buzzfeed complain about their jobs and work from time to time. I’ve been trying to get a better job thinking that it will give me a better life and I will be happier. I guess I’m doing this all wrong. I’ve actually conquered quite a few problems with my current job and now I feel pretty content here.

So instead of trying to distract myself, I need to allocate my fucks. Basically I don’t give a fuck about a lot of stuff like how I look and how others think of me. I don’t have time for that. I don’t care about fashion or the social media. I don’t want to be famous at all (not that I’ll ever be famous). I just want to spend the rest of my life feeling content with no drama like that one my brother threw in my face without warning. So, what are the most important things right now that I give a fuck about? I need time to think about this.