I am ashamed about my unemployment situation. It makes me feel undesirable and useless. I don’t see myself as someone who can hold their head up high, although it is I that quit the job, not the other way around. I chose this. It seems the lack of a perfect life to live means I’m imperfect and a part of me can’t stand that. It’s quite sick, I think.

I am also ashamed for the fact that I actually like not working. So here I am, on one hand, I feel like a loser for being unemployed due to my own decision and on the other hand, I actually secretly feel a bit happy about being so free. Of course I have to think about money and income and all that. But I’ve always thought I am someone who can’t live without work. Who needs to feel useful at all times and I believe a part of me still do but there is also a part of me that’s really starting to enjoy this.

Of course, this is all because the break will soon be over. I got another job and it starts in two weeks and I’m freaking out a bit. Who knows what this company will be like? I heard someone said that with jobs, there are only three things that truly matter: money, boss and work environment (not like how pretty the office is but how coworkers are, I think). So with this job, I just hope the boss is good. From the brief 30 minutes that I got to talk to her during the interview, I find her calm and smart. I hope she’ll be a good boss. I have a gut feeling that she will be but there’s no way to know until I work there.

Without this job offer I might still be agonized about being unemployed and stuff, stupid things like that. But with this job offer, I am worried that working life won’t be as good as the unemployed life. Contradictions is the theme of my personality and it is annoying as fuck.